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Finishing your online memorial site for your child will be the final step for you unless you are inspired to hold a ceremony.  

You may remember reading in The Candle that the expansion and stretch of Abortion Kryptonite extend well beyond the mother and father. Grandparents, Siblings, Godparents, Aunties, Uncles, Nieces, Nephews, close Family, and Friends may have also been impacted by your abortion. Depending on their involvement or lack of, they too may need to and have the right to grieve. 


Sometimes other people may feel responsible (in part or in full) for someone else’s abortion, by way of association such as paying for the abortion, driving them to the abortion clinic pregnant and back unpregnant, ill advice, threat, or in some other way. Those who feel they are part to blame often suffer unremitting feelings of guilt or resentment as well.


Having an Unborn Flame Ceremony brings family and friends together allowing for reconciliation, consolation, commiseration, clarity, confirmation, and closure for all those impacted or involved in the abortion. Above all, it brings great dignity to all members of the family.


The following two chapters cover everything you need to know, do and say to create, conduct and conclude an Unborn Flame Ceremony.


During the preparation of and participation in the Ceremonial Service, you may feel mixed emotions. This is perfectly normal, so make sure you allow yourself to release these healthy and real emotions. You may also feel humour and joy throughout the service but best of all you will receive complete peace and freedom finally knowing that your beloved child has been dignified in an honourable and respectful way. This honour and respect will radiate out to you and your family and friends, bringing healing for all present.


The Green Flame Ceremony 



What you will need on the day:


The Green Flame Ceremony Kit:

  • I1 Red candle

  • 1 Violet candle

  • 1 White candle

  • 1 Blue candle

  • 1 Green Candle


You will also need:

  • 1 Lighter (to light the candles) 

  • 1 Print out of Your Father’s Speech 

  • 1 Print out of Your Story (laminated or framed optional)

  • 1 Print out of Your Gift of Forgiveness 

  • 1 Hour Background Music


Optional extras:

  • Box of Tissues 

  • Bottle of Water


1.. MC - Celebrant/Priest/Friend


To conduct The Unborn Flame Ceremony correctly requires you to have an MC (Master of Ceremonies) to carry out the service. You can not fulfill this duty because you already have your role as Father within The Unborn Flame Ceremony. The MC could be a Celebrant, a Priest, or a close Friend you trust, who can follow the script and is not shy to read out loud in front of your guests.


2.. Choosing your Ceremony date


Choose a date that will help you to remember in the future. Some men choose a date close to when the child would have been born, whilst others choose a date that is special to them or will become special now.


3.. Choosing your Ceremony location


Choose a Ceremony location that holds a sense of sacredness. It could be your home, a place in nature, a place of worship or any place that holds special memories or significance and makes you feel safe - emotionally, physically and spiritually. 


When selecting a venue, some practical considerations should include; 


  • the number of guests 

  • Is food and/or alcohol allowed 

  • Is the venue appropriate for the anticipated weather 

  • Is the venue something you like and something your child would have liked and appreciated.


4.. Father’s Speech


Your Father’s Speech could be a combination of “Your Story”, “Your Child’s Gift of Forgiveness, or testimony of your abortion experience journey.


Use snippets from your experiences to create your own Speech. 


This could be a 2-minute reflection speech (approx. 300 words) about your journey from the Red Flame to the Blue Flame and what you discovered, felt or learned about yourself and your child. 


If you prefer not to write down your speech, you should at least have backup notes on standby just in-case you get emotional and forget what you were going to say.


5.. Speakers and Speeches


  • This is a great opportunity for your partner to say a few words from what they have seen, heard, and/or felt supporting you through this journey.

  • This is also a great opportunity for family and friends who also may have been impacted by the abortion, to say a few words (if you deem that to be a good idea) - such as your mother or father who could have been a grandparent, your brothers and sisters who could have been an Aunty or an Uncle etc.

  • If you practice a particular faith, involve your community and consider asking your priest, chaplain, pastor or another spiritual leader to preside over your ceremony.

  • Base the time on the number of speakers. Most speeches are around 2-10 minutes long. If many people are speaking, err on the shorter side.


6.. Traditions, Rituals & Offerings


Use items and rituals that carry personal meaning for you. Trust yourself and your ideas, and put them into action. Ideally, the Ceremony is an expression of love and there is no wrong way to go about this but here are some great ideas and tips to help get you started.


What gift would you have given your child?


  • A painting, make a craft, a carving or sculpture, engrave their name on a special ornament or piece of jewellery, make or buy a memorial paver or a commemoration plaque, plant a flower or tree in remembrance.

  • Write a poem, sing a song, do a kids magic trick... 

  • Do a “Show and Tell” about the kind of hobby, sport, passion you would have instilled in them and why?

  • …..You know your creative skills and talents... so go for it!


7.. Spiritual Readings, Music, and Blessings


  • Often one or two songs are played during the service. Some people select hymns, or a popular song that has special significance.

  • Scriptural, spiritual and soulful readings that reflect you, your religion, spirituality, and/or faith.

  • If you have a spiritual facilitator with you, allow them to read, pray and bless you.

  • If there are only two of you present, bless each other.

  • Use words or rituals to acknowledge all parents who are grieving the loss of their children.

  • You may wish to bless specific people who have also lost children.

  • Remember that you are not alone in your experience.


8.. Online Memorial Site


Showing guest the Online Memorial site you created to receive the Blue Flame of the Appointing could be a great show piece to share. Also, by taking photos and/or videos on the day, you can later edit and upload to your Child’s Memorial Site for future viewing.


9.. Post Ceremonial Reception


Ceremony Receptions can be held at the family’s home, though they may be held in the hall attached to religious places of worship, private function rooms in a restaurant,  a park picnic or other venues. 


In many countries and cultures, if the Ceremony is held at a church, the community will pitch in to prepare the food. Ask your mates to help out, get them involved with organising the food and/or drinks.


Think “pot luck”. Not only will it lighten your load, but you are also guaranteed to get some dishes you have never tried before.


If you are considering bringing alcoholic beverages, make sure that alcohol would be welcome. What type of refreshments you provide for the reception is entirely up to you.



  • Don’t rush the Ceremony. Cruise and enjoy it. It will be over before you know it.

  • Allow time for tears, laughter, and any other emotions that come up.


Overall, what is important to remember is that your Ceremonial service should be exactly how you want it to be for you and your child.. There really aren't a lot of rules...


10.. Cemeteries 


Some cemeteries have memorial plots for unborn children that allow you to set a memorial in stone or bronze. When memorials are placed in the ground, you claim the life of your unborn child as having existed, she/he is counted as a valuable human being who lived here on this earth for a short time, in the womb and gave gifts that will always be remembered and honoured. 

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